When I was seventh grade, I desperately wanted to marry the girl in my Hebrew School class who sat across from me and will remain nameless for the duration of this post.
I wanted to be her husband.
I wanted her to be my wife.
I imagined what our children would look like.
I was 11.
Though this girl and I had never talked, we shared a slow dance earlier that school year to Richard Marx’s ‘Right Here Waiting.’ It was a profound four minutes and twenty three seconds during the course of which I fell deeply in love.
Often I daydreamed of sending a large bouquet of flowers to her desk in the middle of class.
I fantasized that upon receiving such a generous gift, she’d look for a card only to find one with the words ‘Will you marry me?’ scrawled across without a signature. Confused, she’d look around the room until finally we’d lock eyes and she would know.
I saw Christian Slater do it once in ‘Bed Of Roses.’ *
I was a pre-teen with bad skin who slept on the bottom bunk.
I hardly knew this person or myself.
But I was ready.
Now I’m 27.
I have a job, a savings and my own roof over my head.
I’ve had a string of long, monogamous relationships full of self discoveries and adult problems.
The possibility of marriage is a very real one.
Yet nothing scares me more.
I see my friends making lifelong commitments to cherish, honor, provide for and stand by their spouses.
For whatever reason I just can’t see myself being able to give that to somebody.
It’s not that I don’t believe in the institution, on the contrary I think its beautiful.
Maybe its me.
Maybe I haven’t found the right person.
I know this:
Whatever it takes,
or how my heart breaks,
I’ll be right here,
P.S. On the subject of a Ketubahs, check out http://www.Ketuv.com ! The’ve got great fine art ketubahs including one I’ve designed very shortly!
*I had a serious thing for Christian Slater movies. I guess at that age I didn’t see anything odd about looking to a 36 year old leading man as a role model. Some people had Kurt Cobain. I had Christian. Perhaps it was because as a Jew it was the furthest thing from me. I would even roll the sleeves on my flannels up and slick back my hair to look like him.